The lighter side of life at work

"Laughter is a force for democracy"
John Cleese

Updated 22 July 2005
Tim Field is not responsible for the content of external links.
Parents may find some of these jokes unsuitable for young children.
Young children may not find them unsuitable.

For those of you suffering at work or feeling the effects of the reactive depression caused by the psychiatric injury of prolonged negative stress, here's a medicinal helping of humour and wisdom culled from the Internet and elsewhere...


The corporate boat race

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.


To be a manager

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."


The antidote to all those corporate clichés

http://www.despair.com/


What do bullies and sperm have in common?

They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.


Ten great reasons to go to work naked

10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."


Need to impress someone quickly?

1 2 3
integrated management options
heuristic organisational flexibility
systematized monitored capability
parallel reciprocal mobility
functional digital programming
responsive logistical scenarios
optional transitional time-phase
synchronized incremental projection
compatible third-generation hardware
futuristic policy contingency

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No-one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!


Employee Placement Method

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

If they've left early, put them in Sales.

And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.


MIASS

Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)

This memo is to announce the development of a new plant- wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".


GIVING 103% AT WORK

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% Here's to achieving 103%. Here's a little
math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

equals:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

But:
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

However:
B U L L * * * T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%


Corporate filly

The Dakota Indians of North America passed on this piece of wisdom from generation by word of mouth - "If you are riding a dead horse the best thing to do is dismount". However in the corporate world because of the heavy investment factor other things to be tried, (but not limited to) are the following


Mottos to work by

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.


Political Philosophies Explained in Simple Two-Cow Terms

SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.


Quickies...

How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention?
It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.

How can you tell when a bully is lying?
You can hear them speaking.

Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.

I wouldn't say that my bullying boss was unpopular as a child, but her parents had to tie a lamb chop to her leg just so's the dog would play with her.

Q: How many bullies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bulb.


Feeling better

Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the world'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now........ don't you feel better?


WAYS TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?".

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Repeat the following conversation a few times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in the car park at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Why not try some of the following neat little exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance. By following these simple guidelines during important meetings, you too can be an unmitigated success:

Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth.

Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.

When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.

Chew tobacco.

Wear a hands free phone headset throughout once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!'

Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.

Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast'.

Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' & Charlie don't surf'.

Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.

Shave one of your forearms.

Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.

Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you 'love this dirty town'.

Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute.

Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.

Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.

Gargle with water.

Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.

Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.

Hum throughout.

Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.

Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.

Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as:' what's the margin, Marvin?"When's this turkey going to get basted?" If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors'

Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.

Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.

Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:
My secret agenda
1 Trample the weak
2 Triumph alone
3 Invade Poland
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.

Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.

Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout 'I AM NOT FINISHED'.


A prayer for the stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

Also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work...

12% on Monday,

23%on Tuesday,

40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday, and

5% on Friday.

Help me to remember...

When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!


Posted to the Bullyonline forum in December...

Hi All!

I'm so happy to have found this group...

I work for a well-known world-wide toy distributor. I have a physical abnormality which makes me different than my co-workers and even the kindest of people can't help but stare. I'm afraid it would make me stand out in a dark room.

Most of my co-workers laugh at me and call me names - and one of them is a real Vixen. I'm never invited to join in any social activities or play on any company games such the winter sports popular in my area.

As it turns out, I am the best one in my company to lead the distributing team during the holiday season and even my boss has had to acknowledge this. I am worried that after this season though, it will be business as usual - being treated like an animal.

All suggestions are welcome!

Sincerely,

Rudolph


Need a nickname for your bully?

The following is an excerpt from a children's book, Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.....

Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:

a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x =tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x =humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example, George Bush's new name is Fluffy Toiletshorts. Bill Clinton becomes Lumpy Gigglechunks, Tony Blair becomes Falafel Toiletbuns and Saddam Hussein becomes Snotty Wafflechunks.


ANTI-STRESS DIET

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
A small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss

AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER:
STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
Send this to all the women you know or ever knew, and you will immediately lose 10 pounds.


You spell potatoe and I spell potato...

Remember Dan Quayle? Here are some memorable Dan Quayle quotes...

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."

"I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived
in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has
been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."


Work Wisdom

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.


LETTER EAT CAKE

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".


The brains of a four-year-old

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and establishes whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
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Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference; all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.


What job ads really mean

Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

Problem-solving skills a must
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.


"Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks you're an asshole." (Bumper Sticker)


The Six Phases of a Project

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and honour for the non-participants


Ever wondered what your boss puts on your performance appraisal?

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neurone short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.


The qualities of leadership

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.


Outdated sexism at the BBC

"I must protest at Steve Wright's reference on TOTP2 [Top of the Pops 2] to Shania Twain's assets with the line "you don't get many of those to the pound". I am amazed that in this day and age, the BBC saw fit to allow such an old-fashioned and out-dated comment to be broadcast. Everyone knows that nowadays you don't get many of those to the half-kilo."

Andrew Todd, Croydon, South London

Letter published in Radio Times, 25-31 March 2000


Recipe for trouble

Ingredients:

Bully
Bad Management
Hot Water
Target

In double broiler melt together Bully and Bad Management. Add lots of Hot Water. Bring to a simmer. Transfer to pressure cooker and add Target (but leave lid off). Simmer target in mixture until Target looks competent, then turn up the heat until achieving a rolling boil. Remove Target and strip it of integrity, self-esteem and dignity. Return to pot. Cover and wait for Target to explode. Reserve Bully stock for next Target.

Feeds many bullies.


It's hard in sales

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "


Quality control

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."


MERGERS AND ACQUISITIONS

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the latest AOL deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become KNOTT NOW!


Getting educated...

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our programme of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (SHIT). We are trying to give our students more SHIT than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.

Students who don't take their SHIT will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (EAT SHIT). Since our lecturers took SHIT before they graduated, they don't have to do SHITanymore, and are all full of SHIT already.

If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (BULL SHIT).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (MORE SHIT). This course emphasizes on how to manage MORE SHIT.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (HOT SHIT).


I couldn't resist these vaguely-work-related gems...

From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

From The Guardian:
After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.

Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'.

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

From The Times:
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

From The Manchester Evening News:
"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."


Perspectives...

When I take a long time I'm slow
When my boss takes a long time he's thorough

When I don't do it I'm lazy
When my boss doesn't do it he's busy

When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority
When my boss does the same, that's initiative

When I take a stand, I'm being bull-headed
When my boss does it, he's being firm.

When I overlooked a rule of etiquette, I'm being rude
When my boss skips a few rules, he's being original

When I'm out of the office, I'm wandering around
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business

When I'm on a day off sick, I'm always sick
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I please my boss I'm crawling
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating

When I do good, my boss never remembers
When I do wrong, my boss never forgets........


Cartoons

...on office life and bullying are at http://www.bullybusters.org/home/twd/funny/c-s.html


Some words of wisdom from Laurence J Peter...

Peter's Principle: in an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetence.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

and

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.


Management consultants ... love them or hate them ... click here for new exciting job opportunity.


The Lord's Prayer by Caitlin, age 3

Our Father which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
In earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our sins
As we forgive them who trespass against us
Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us some email.

Amen.


Is your boss responsible?

Ghost train: The Wolverhampton to Coventry train service is being held up at Birmingham for eight minutes every weekday morning to allow a non-existent Eurostar continental express to pass through the station. (The Guardian "Society", 23 June 1999)

Voting trends: Manchester electoral officers have sent out more than 1000 letters to people with trendy names such as Brooklyn and Jordan asking them if they are really old enough to vote. (The Guardian "Society", 23 June 1999)


Government of the people, for the people, and by the people

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."


My boss...

1. My Boss has learned to be cautious. Failure taught him that.
2. My Boss isn't a total failure. His Boss helped too.
3. If ever we need to simulate a problem, we invite my Boss to the meeting.
4. Normally we don't except sloppy work, but we make an exception for my Boss.
5. My Boss decided to put his memoirs in a book. Its called 'My Defecations'.
6. If my Boss was a energy plant, he'd be a 'power failure'.
7. My Boss is in court for sexual harassment. He said it was a 'pat on the back.'
8. My Boss returned from his evaluation looking very sad. He said "I can't figure out why my Boss hates me. I haven't done anything."
9. My Boss' business philosophy is "You can fool enough of the people some of the time."
10. My Boss doesn't mind work. Its thinking that scares him.
11. Comments on the first day from my new Boss "Over the years I've trained 3 people who eventually became my Boss. I guarantee that's not going to happen to you."
12. My Boss canceled the weekly status meetings on a project long overdue. She said "Every week its the same thing. Let's wait until something happens, before we meet again."
13. I interviewed with a company and then didn't hear back for over a month. I had written them off, and was surprised to get a phone call from my Boss-to-be, asking if I was still interested in the position. When I said, "yes," he said, "good, because our first two choices got better offers."
14. In their absence, management left my Boss in charge. They wanted to see the 'worst case scenario.'
15. My Boss recently joined my car pool. I now know, I can lead my Boss to work, but I can't make him think.
16. "Yes, I've read your proposal, but I can't support concepts before management's review." Typical political maneuvers by my Boss.
17. "I really love that spreadsheet. I did 10 what-ifs and I liked them all." Comment after seeing his pie-in-the-sky sales forecasts.
18. My Boss recently completed 'Excel for Dummies". Now, the rest of us are reading "The Dummy Unleashed."
19. Management posted a flyer, on the employee bulletin board, supporting a $0.00/hr minimum wage. They claimed that even an employee earning $0.00/hr, benefits from the experience of work and the learning process. Frankly, I earn a salary and I don't see the benefit.
20. As hard as it is to believe, my Boss has a will of his own. His attorney wrote it.


Diminishing returns

After a two year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreation preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed people is: BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


Letter of complaint

You can get things off your chest by generating letters of complaint about your bullies at http://www-csag.cs.uiuc.edu/individual/pakin/complaint/


I'm in charge!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. "I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge ... just an asshole.


Is your employer ready for the new millennium?

Date: January 1, 2000
Re: Holiday Pay

Dear Valued Employee,

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of £9,313,4708.63 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Yours sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing


Office jargon

1. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

3. Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves.

4. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

5. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

6. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

7. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

9. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

10. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

11. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

12. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

13. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

14. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

15. Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

16. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's work place.

17. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

18. Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

19. Chips and Salsa: Chips equals 3D hardware and salsa equals 3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

20. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

21. GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

22. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

23. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the poop out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

24. Uninstalled or Deinstalled - Euphemisms for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

25. Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

26. Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

27. Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

28. CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

29. Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

30. Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by? your boss? Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

31. Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.


To be a manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 & 42 degrees N latitude and between 58 & 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager"

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."


So did your job match the interview?

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."


DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY, ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST-CUTTING MEASURES:

Lodging

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public
areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may
provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation

Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals

Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous

All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray
travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.


Failure in long-term planning is nothing new...

Subject:Y0K problem

Y-0-K

Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind ......

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.

Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius


3 years of work

Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We await your direction.


Strategic Management

In the Beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof",
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this Organization, and in these areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.
This is How Shit Happens.


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm


RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.


Having difficulty using the legal system?

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's an ugly scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other's a fish.

For more lawyer jokes see humour/lawyer.htm and http://wwlia.org/jokes.htm


"We've investigated your claim of bullying and can't find any evidence"

A bad investigation by personnel into an allegation of bullying can last years. A good investigation can last even longer.


Some words of wisdom from the military mindset...

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

If at first you don't succeed ... call in an airstrike.

More of these can be found at Murphy's laws of combat operations.


Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
8. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
9. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
10. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.


Job application

If you've ever sought advice for completing a job application form, you might find inspiration from the following and allegedly true application for employment with McDonalds:

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.


Smart dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "what can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.....


Quotes

Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. (Linux)

Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. (R A Dickson)

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be mowed down in the crossfire. (The Nanotech Chronicles by Michael Flynn)


Other pages of humour on this site

Bad Boss Jokes ... Lawyer jokes ... More humour ... Girl jokes ... Bloke jokes ... Engineer jokes ... Media quotes

Links to other web sites with managerial humour...

More jokes on a bullying theme at Bullies Down Under

Message Mates are delightful animations: the Magic Water Cooler is recommended (so are all the others).

Crazy Quotes and Anecdotes of Corporate Chaos and Calamity are at http://www.myboss.com

More Workplace Humor

The perfect gift for your bullying boss, from teeny wiener condoms (this may be nearer the mark than you think) to extra wide toilet paper for a major league asshole.

Maybe your job's tolerable, but your boss sucks.

Been taking too much crap at work lately? Had enough? If so, it's time to tell your boss to shove that job.

Insensitivity Cards ... for when you care to be brutally honest.

Anger Central, the angriest place on the net.

Doggiedung.com is the ultimate in harmless, satisfying revenge!

The Avenger's Front Page.

The ultimate gift for your unloved one ... send Shit in a Box

You suck!

Send a Cynical Greeting Card

For the asshole in your life ... send a free postcard with a picture of him or herself.

Up yer arse ... alternative comedy delivered first class!


Jennifer Studdard is researching PMS ... please send her jokes, anecdotes true or otherwise, etc ... click here for details.


Recommended reading ... A Cynic's Guide to Management, Stuart McKibbin (Robert Hale Ltd, 1998, ISBN 0-7090-6249-4). Find out about Ballcock Management, Abdication Management, Placebo Management, Counselling Dependence Syndrome, The Law of Posterior Deference, and much more.


Bully OnLine is funded by sales of these books

Recommended reading on identifying and dealing with bullying, harassment and psychological violence

bully in sight: how to predict, resist, challenge and combat workplace bullying; overcoming
the slience and denial by which abuse thrives by Tim Field
Bully in sight
How to predict, resist, challenge and combat workplace bullying
Overcoming the silence and denial by which abuse thrives

by
Tim Field
Foreword by Diana Lamplugh OBE
ISBN 0952912104
Published by Success Unlimited 1996
Paperback, 16 chapters, 384 pages, resources, index
Click book cover (left) for more details

"Will be eagerly read by those waiting for an update [to Andrea Adams' book]"
Times Educational Supplement 7/3/97
"Powerful, compassionate, practical" Nursing Times, 1/1/97

Readers' feedback and comments.

Written with the experience and insight only a fellow experiencer can impart, Bully in sight validates the experience of bullying when everyone else is trying to deny it. The injury to health caused by stress resulting from bullying and harassment is described in detail.

Bully in sight identifies bullying as a major cause of stress and the common denominator of harassment, discrimination, prejudice, abuse, conflict and violence. Bully in sight provides a chillingly accurate portrayal of the principal perpetrator of psychological violence, the serial bully.

Packed with insight, ideas and direction, plus sources of help and suggested reading.

Order your signed copy:
Online with secure credit card ordering
By fax or letter with printed order form


How bullying and harassment at school cause psychiatric injury, trauma, PTSD, and suicide

Bullycide: death at playtime, an expose of child suicide caused by bullying by Neil Marr and Tim Field
Bullycide
Death at playtime
An exposé of child suicide caused by bullying
by
Neil Marr and Tim Field
Introduction by Jo Brand
ISBN 0952912120
Published by Success Unlimited in January 2001
Paperback, 18 chapters, 320 pages, 30 b/w pictures, resources, index
Click book cover (left) for more details

"An excellent book."
Times Education Supplement, May 2001
"Require reading in every LEA [Local Education Authority] in the UK."
Yorkshire Evening Post, March 2001

Using a blend of powerful testimony, moving narrative, insightful analysis and practical advice, Bullycide: death at playtime reveals the full and long-lasting extent of the psychiatric injury caused by bullying at school and in childhood. Contains new interviews with bereaved families, survivors and people who have overcome the trauma of bullying at school to succeed in life - sometimes spectacularly. Includes initiatives to combat bullying, helplines, organisations, suggested reading and web sites.

More reviews and reader feedback

Order a copy:
Online with secure credit card ordering
By fax or letter with printed order form


Recommended reading on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and recovery from trauma

post traumatic stress disorder: the invisible injury, 2001 edition by david kinchin
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
The invisible injury, 2005 edition

by
David Kinchin

ISBN 0952912147
Published by Success Unlimited 2004
Paperback, 16 chapters, 224 pages, resources, index
Click book cover (left) for more information

"This is the book I so badly wanted when I was traumatised."
David Kinchin, Author

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: the invisible injury provides clear, practical advice for recovery from major traumatic experiences, including violence, harassment, assault, rape, accident, fire, explosion, disaster, or witnessing such events.

PTSD is a natural emotional reaction to a deeply shocking and disturbing experience. The symptoms are surprisingly common and include sleep problems, nightmares and waking early, impaired memory, inability to concentrate, hypervigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), jumpiness and exaggerated startle response, fragility and hypersensitivity, irritability, violent outbursts, joint and muscle pains, panic attacks, fatigue, low self-esteem, exaggerated feelings of guilt, feelings of nervousness and anxiety.

Order your copy:
Online with secure credit card ordering
By fax or letter with printed order form


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