Half the population are bullied ... most only recognize it when they read this
In company with modern work trends, we are pleased to announce an opportunity for an enthusiastic and motivated young individual to share a job with some of the best management in the world.
Because of the lowered status and embarrassment that the title of "management consultant" can attract, we are prepared to compensate you with a salary of up to four times that of the manager you are consulting with. Hope that's enough. We'll also throw in a car of your choice, eg four wheel drive or sports car. Ever driven a Ferrari or McLaren F1? Should help to counter the injury to feelings caused by insensitive remarks like "Oh, Nigel? He's a management consultant". Very hurtful.
So, what attributes and abilities do you require? A bank account (preferably offshore), a smart suit (loans available), big ears and a writing implement like a biro (tax-deductible). We'll supply you with headed notepaper. Take it wherever you're headed.
Duties? Share the job of the manager you are assigned to, listen to everything he says - or she says, you'll find more women in management these days, sign of the times you know, have to keep up with the trends, don't we? - write it all down, let him (or her, have to be politically correct at all times now, how tedious) talk as much as possible, makes your job a lot easier, then transcribe everything you've heard into a management report, double-spaced on glossy 120gm paper, add a fancy binder with impressive gold-embossed company logo and hey presto! you've just determined strategic policy for the next six months. As an added advantage you don't have to worry about such tiresome encumbrances as accountability. The world moves on and so will you. You'll be a million miles away when the dumb managers fail to make your masterpiece work.
To apply for this plum position, apply to any of the following respected organisations: McKinsey, Arthur Anderson, KPMG, Deloitte, Touche Ross, Coopers and Lybrand, Gemini, Towers-Perrin or similar (address in Yellow Pages). Or call into the headquarters of any large business, corporation or organisation and ask the receptionist to direct you to the office of the resident management consultant. Ignore any funny looks she gives you. Remember, you're on your way up and you can always restructure her later.
Welcome to your new career!
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