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Jokes for ladies

Tim Field is not responsible for the content of external links.
Parents may find some of these jokes unsuitable for young children.

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.
Luckily, this is not difficult."

Charlotte Whitton, Former Mayor of Ottawa


Male language dictionary

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Can we have sex now?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


Women vs Men

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.


A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".


Post Christmas Diet

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


St Mom's Wort
This is a plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo
This is a liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.

Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BuyOneall
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr Laura.

JackAsspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragamet
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go fly a kite for up to 8 hours.


A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f****n' map!"


Q: How many men does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Just one. He puts the bulb into the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.


Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays.
A step by step guide, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**


Woman's dictionary

1.  "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2.  "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3.  "Nothing"
Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4.  "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5.  "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6.  "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

7.  "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8.  "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9.  "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10.  "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11.  "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12.  "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".


PMS STANDS FOR

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Pretty Much the Same
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

and...

Please My Self


Things It Takes a Long Time For Guys To Learn

1. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
2. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
3. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
4. PMS stands for: Permissible Manslaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
5. The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
6. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
7. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
8. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
9. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
10. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
11. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
12. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
13. Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
14. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
15. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
16. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
17. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
18. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
19. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
20. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
21. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
22. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

Click here for how to speak about men and be politically correct.


Martha Stewart's Way vs. My Way

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub It on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore; it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.


Today's instruction

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

6. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favourite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.


Quickies

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its bollocks.

What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?
Snowballs.

What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.


You asked for it

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he's recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ" The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider." The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his IQ increased to five times its usual power.

Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."

And he turns into a woman.


Laws Women Live By

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If we put a man on the moon, we should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander; it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well; they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same; they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.


BENEFITS OF BEING AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN

* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.


Twelve truths about men!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)

You're laughing, aren't you?!?!

8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)

9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.)

10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make the perfect final copy)

11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(it's never happened)


A Mom's Dictionary

BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM:
A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

"BECAUSE":
Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST:
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CAR POOL:
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who've had the most sugar.

COOK:
1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
2) Mom's other name.

DUST:
Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

ENERGY:
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME":
One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

FABLE:
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD:
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE:
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

HANDI-WIPES:
Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS:
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

ICE:
Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the damn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

"I SAID SO":
Reason enough, according to Mom.

JUNK:
Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP:
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

MAKEUP:
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."

MAYBE:
No.

MILK:
A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!":
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

PANIC:
What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER:
Mom's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY:
Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PIANO:
A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE:
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

REFRIGERATOR:
Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

SCHOOL PLAY:
Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SNOWSUITS:
Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions:
1) Protecting children from the cold
2) Reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP:
A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT:
All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SUNDAY BEST:
Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TERRIBLE TWO'S:
Having both kids at home all summer.

TROUBLE:
Area of non-specific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH:
Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR:
An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

VITAMINS:
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS:
Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE:
Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

XOXOXOXO:
Mom's salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

YARD SALE:
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!":
What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.

ZUCCHINI:
Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to touch it.


Inner Peace

My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.


Whoops

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework,then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."


The Five Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (ie tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
___________________________________________________

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know
what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
________________________________________________

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
____________________________________________________

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
____________________________________________________

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
____________________________________________________

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: ( makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: shit.


How to impress a woman

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

How to impress a man


Modern Day Fairy Tale

(A fairy tale for the assertive woman of the 2000s)

Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

I don't fucking think so...


The New Survivor Show

* 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 children each (all between the ages of 1 and 8), for 6 weeks

* Each child plays two sports and either takes music or dance or gymnastics classes each week

* There is no access to fast food or microwaves

* Each man must take care of his 4 children, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, grocery shop, cook, do laundry, and hold down a full time job

* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote

* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches

* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas

* The children vote them off based on performance

* The winner gets to go back to his job


Just a thought for all the women out there...

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day!!! And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy.


Quickies...

My fantasy is to have two men at once. One cleaning, one ironing.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Because breasts don't have eyes.


Ode To a Mammogram

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After thirty years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."

She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenceless tits!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!

This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!

There's more...

Mammogram Exercises

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.


What does it really mean?

Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Barbecue: You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up - but he "made the dinner."

Childbirth: You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "focus....breathe...push..."

Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.

Eternity: The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise: To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hardware store: Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick: On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park: Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck". After children, a noun meaning a place with a set of swings and a slide.

Patience: The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.

Waterproof mascara: Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's day: A day when you have dreams of a candlelit dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.


"My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete, just because he always comes first." (Ellie Lane)

"The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: 'It's a girl.'" (Shirley Chisholm)

"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after." (Gloria Steinem)

"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times." (Sanskrit proverb)


What's he made of?

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

Due to rust, ageing samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.


How to shower like a woman...

1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4) Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5) Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6) Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7) Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8) Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9) Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10) Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12) Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13) Turn off shower.
14) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15) Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16) Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails tweezers if found.
17) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18) If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Click here for the male version.


Do YOU understand men?

The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!! The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?


Men mean...

I'M GOING FISHING
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

IT'S A GUY THING
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
Translated: Why isn't it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE HONEY, YES DEAR
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
Translated: I have no idea how it works.

TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD
Translated: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR
Translated: Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS
Translated: I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, ... but I forgot your birthday.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL
Translated: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING
Translated: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CAN'T FIND IT
Translated: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Translated: What did you catch me at?

I HEARD YOU.
Translated: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC
Translated: Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

I'M NOT LOST, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE
Translated: No one will ever see us alive again.

WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK
Translated: I make the messes, she cleans them up.

Murphy's First Law for Wives

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.


Men Are Like...

Men are like... commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like... computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

Men are like... used cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like... vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like... weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like... blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like... curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like... noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like.....plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or bathroom.

Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like department stores... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like chocolate bars... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like cement... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like laxatives... they irritate the shit out of you.

A man is like a snowstorm... you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.


Every Woman's Fantasy

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Clean my house."


Women's revenge for all those sexist jokes.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. When would you want a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

Female comebacks

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

Man: Can I buy you a drink, Honey?
Woman: Thank you, but it will interfere with my gynealogical antibiotics.

Man (exposing himself): Look what I've got here!
Woman: It looks like a penis, but smaller.


Heartbroken

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ, and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman", the doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.


A man is driving fast down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he sees a pig in the middle of the road, swerves to avoid it and drives off the cliff, dying a fiery death.

If only men would listen.


TEN THINGS Men Know About Women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.


There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.


Top 10 Snappy comebacks to " Why aren't you Married yet?"

10. You haven't asked yet.
9. What? And spoil my great sex life?
8. Just lucky, I guess.
7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
1. Why aren't you thin?


Other pages of humour on this site

Bad Boss Jokes ... Lawyer jokes ... More humour ... Girl jokes ... Bloke jokes ... Engineer jokes ... Media quotes


Jennifer Studdard is researching PMS ... please send her jokes, anecdotes true or otherwise, etc ... click here for details.


Bully OnLine is funded by sales of these books

Recommended reading on identifying and dealing with bullying, harassment and psychological violence

bully in sight: how to predict, resist, challenge and combat workplace bullying; overcoming
the slience and denial by which abuse thrives by Tim Field
Bully in sight
How to predict, resist, challenge and combat workplace bullying
Overcoming the silence and denial by which abuse thrives

by
Tim Field
Foreword by Diana Lamplugh OBE
ISBN 0952912104
Published by Success Unlimited 1996
Paperback, 16 chapters, 384 pages, resources, index
Click book cover (left) for more details

"Will be eagerly read by those waiting for an update [to Andrea Adams' book]"
Times Educational Supplement 7/3/97
"Powerful, compassionate, practical" Nursing Times, 1/1/97

Readers' feedback and comments.

Written with the experience and insight only a fellow experiencer can impart, Bully in sight validates the experience of bullying when everyone else is trying to deny it. The injury to health caused by stress resulting from bullying and harassment is described in detail.

Bully in sight identifies bullying as a major cause of stress and the common denominator of harassment, discrimination, prejudice, abuse, conflict and violence. Bully in sight provides a chillingly accurate portrayal of the principal perpetrator of psychological violence, the serial bully, a joyless, humorless, loveless individual who is a compulsive liar with a Jekyll & Hyde nature who has a compulsive need to control through constant trivial criticism and a pathological refusal to value and recognise.

Packed with insight, ideas and direction, plus sources of help and suggested reading.

Order your signed copy:
 Online with secure credit card ordering
 By fax or letter with printed order form


Recommended reading on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and recovery from trauma

post traumatic stress disorder: the invisible injury, 2001 edition by david kinchin
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
The invisible injury, 2005 edition

by
David Kinchin

ISBN 0952912147
Published by Success Unlimited 2004
Paperback, 16 chapters, 224 pages, resources, index
Click book cover (left) for more information

"This is the book I so badly wanted when I was traumatised."
David Kinchin, Author

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: the invisible injury provides clear, practical advice for recovery from major traumatic experiences, including violence, harassment, assault, rape, accident, fire, explosion, disaster, or witnessing such events.

PTSD is a natural emotional reaction to a deeply shocking and disturbing experience. The symptoms are surprisingly common and include sleep problems, nightmares and waking early, impaired memory, inability to concentrate, hypervigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), jumpiness and exaggerated startle response, fragility and hypersensitivity, irritability, violent outbursts, joint and muscle pains, panic attacks, fatigue, low self-esteem, exaggerated feelings of guilt, feelings of nervousness and anxiety.

Order your copy:
 Online with secure credit card ordering
 By fax or letter with printed order form


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